Rules To Date My Daughter
by Darkflames and fire
Summary: The law is simple. Follow my rules, and action will not be taken against you. My daughter cries or so much as frowns, you. Will. Pay. Being a dad has it's moments. Eventual satisfying Ishida x Nemu. Mostly for humor. T for the language of the rules.


Got this idea from a thing on the internet containing the rules I state in here. Hope you like. Review please.

Don't own Bleach.

* * *

Rule Number One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

* * *

I remember distinctly every single date my daughter, Nemu has ever had. Her first one ended before anything began, due to my first rule. He was rude from the beginning, and I didn't even memorize his name. Akon or something like that.

He pulled up in his car, having achieved a license a few days prior, and honked the car horn as if it would do something. Nemu came running down the stairs, usual melancholic look still put on her face.

"Where are you going?" I asked her. Though I never showed it much, I value Nemu more than anything on this earth, and I won't let anything happen to her. Hence, the rules.

When she opted for silence, I walked out to the car in my driveway, noting how punk-ish the kid looked with piercings set to look like horns in his head. He looked at me for a few seconds before snarking off some rude name after an exclamation of 'Out of the way, I need to pick up Nemu!'.

That one was off the property before Nemu was even outside.

* * *

Rule Number Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

* * *

The second one made it in the house without being kicked off the property or angering me. I don't remember his name at all, just that he seemed kind of off with the striped hat and clogs on his feet.

I didn't have to search very long to find the problem in this one.

Almost as soon as he sat next to her on the couch, the young man was looking down my daughter's shirt with a perverted look on his face. He was in contact with her almost the entire time we talked, his hand usually finding a spot on her thigh or some other provocative place.

When he was about to leave I called out to him.

"I don't ever want to see you with my daughter again. Got it?" I gave him one of my special maniacal grins to reinforce my words. The man gulped and nodded before driving off. I never even heard of him again.

* * *

Rule Number Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys to wear trousers so loose that they are falling off their hips. Don't take this as an insult: you and all of your friends are **morons**. But I want to be fair and open minded about this, so I propose this: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, but in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall off your ass during the course of your date with my daughter, I will use my nail gun to fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

* * *

The third was a disaster as soon as I saw him. This would be the first date where Nemu would leave the house, and I at least wanted the man to look slightly decent. So there he stood, waiting for me to allow him entrance inside.

I (mostly) remembered this one's name. Grimmjow Jagerjagues or something to that effect. (I'm horrible with names, aren't I?) He was a tall fellow, and had the oddest blue hair. Then again, I have blue hair as well so it doesn't really matter.

I looked him up and down, thinking about how stupid kids were these days. The boy had a hat backwards on his head, a muscle shirt about three sizes too big, and his waistline down to mid-thigh. After seeing his appearance, I invited him inside for a little chat while my daughter got ready.

When Nemu came downstairs, finished with her date preparations, she was probably surprised to find the boy with his pants actually up, and a shirt that fit him. I looked at the nails holding his pants in place with satisfaction and told him that I didn't want the shirt back.

I'm not surprised I never even saw him again.

* * *

Rule Number Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of "barrier method" can kill you. Allow me elaborate on this: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.

* * *

The fourth one was a downright disaster. After passing my first three tests, the boy took Nemu out for dinner and a movie (A scary movie I will note). When he took my daughter home I watched from the car as he tried, without even going for a kiss, to get her to have sex with him. Nemu is smart, and got out of the car, nodding to me as she came in.

I grabbed my shotgun off the wall and got the pleasure of chasing that boy off my property, almost hitting him a few times too!

* * *

Rule Number Five: You may think that in order for us to know each other better we could talk about sports, politics, or other social issues. Do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you will have my daughter safely back here at this house, and that the only words I need from you on this are "Early, sir".

* * *

Her fifth date pissed me off. When he came in the house, he almost imediately flopped onto the couch, trying to initiate some sort of meaningless conversation with me to get on my good side. I glared at him, giving minimal answers.

As Nemu and him left for their date, I called out one thing to him.

"When will my daughter be back at this house?" I asked him, noting that he would probably give me the wrong answer. I was right indeed.

"Whenever we get back old man!" he shouted back, peeved by my question.

That one was done in by a punch to the face, courtesy of Nemu. He left the property with a damaged pride and no date.

* * *

Rule Number Six: You may be popular at school with many opportunities to date other girls. I have no problem with this as long as it is okay with my little girl. Once you have gone out with my little girl, you will date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

* * *

The sixth was a player, much to my eternal disdain.

"Don't worry father, everything will be fine." Nemu had told me. I wish that she had been right for once.

They had made it through about two weeks of dating before she caught him cheating. She came home crying, and I left the house furious. Abarai Renji ended up in the hospital the next day with a broken leg, bruised ribcage, shattered arm, and a swollen face.

Oh yeah, I broke his xbox too.

* * *

Rule Number Seven: As you wait at the door for my daughter to come out and more than an hour goes by, I do not want to hear you sigh or watch you fidget. If you wanted to be on time for movies, then you shouldn't be dating. My daughter will be putting on her makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, you may change the oil in my car.

* * *

Her seventh date had some aversion to sitting still for more than five minutes at a time. Nemu, while not being all that girly, did put on makeup. A process that I knew to be long and tedious. He complained after a while about how they were going to be late to the movies, and I told him to wait.

He paced the room and fidgeted around, muttering angry words under his breath. I had suggested he do something useful with himself, but he had more of an aversion to work than he did with sitting still. So, we waited.

When Nemu finally came down, the boy gave a sigh of relief, standing up from the house and joining my daughter in a farewell.

He never asked her on a second date.

line

Rule Number Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wood stool.

-Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns in sight.

-Places where there is darkness.

-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

-Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops or midriff T-shirts, basically anything other than a winter coat zipped up to her neck.

-Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes, these will be avoided _**at all costs**_.

The following places are appropriate for my daughter:

-Movies that feature chainsaws are okay.

-Hockey games are OK.

-Old folk's homes are better.

-A covenant or church is best.

line

Date number eight was one of the worst. I had followed her on this one, hearing about Kira Izuru's reputation as a 'hit and run' kind of guy. It was a theater I had never really gone to before, but the place gave me a bad feeling.

I sat in the back between two couples consisting of a carrot top and a midget, and a man who was wearing a flower haori, straw hat, and had a piece of wheat in his mouth, and his companion, a short woman with glasses, hair up, and a book tucked under her arm.

I soon realized the chairs were made to be like beds, and that the theater was very dark. Every couple in the theater was either holding hands or making out, and it scared me a little. The movie started, and I turned my attention to the screen, looking at Nemu every few seconds.

They were at a comfortable distance until I realized what the movie was actually about. While not seriously being one, the movie was practically a porno! The blond-haired boy started making a move on Nemu...

That is, until I walked over to punch him in the face.

Well, Nemu is single again...

* * *

Rule Number Nine: Never lie to me.

I may seem to be a half-assed, balding, middle-aged has-been dipshit but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and so help you god nothing but the truth. I have 3 shotguns, two 30-06 rifles, a meatsaw, a shovel, and five acres in back. Do not fuck with me.

* * *

Her ninth date was a bad-boy type.

If it wasn't bad enough that he wore tattered clothes, the boy had walked on without greeting of any form, referring to me as 'old man' and regarding me like some old-folks home resident that could barely speak.

He somewhat reminded me of Nemu's friend's, Rukia's, boyfriend (the carrot-top and the midget from the theater, as I found out later), but that orange-haired boy was much more respectful to me than this boy.

Nemu came down a long few minutes later, ready and looking pretty for her date. Why is it that she can't find a functional man? I had thought, annoyed at her most recent choice in date. It was later, however, brought to my attention that the boy was always the one to ask her out, and I raised my daughter much too nice to refuse them. Quite the mistake on my part.

I asked the young man where he would be taking Nemu before they left. He replied with a perfectly said "We decided to go to a new sushi place that opened up." I smiled and waved them away, knowing he probably thought he had gotten away with the lie, and he had most likely lied to Nemu about their destination as well. Nemu loathes sushi.

I followed him to an obscure place on the bad side of town. I had a waiter sit me down in a table with a good vantage point from theirs, just to make sure nothing bad happened throughout the night. He appeared to be a good guy after a while, but lying to me is not forgiven.

He was chased away when I showed him my impressive gun collection, saw and knife collection, and five-acre yard.

Being a protective father is **very** fun.

* * *

Rule Number Ten: And finally, be afraid. Be **very** afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy. While you're out with my daughter and the Agent Orange starts acting up the voices tell me to clean my guns while I wait for you to bring her home. As soon as you pull up into the driveway, come out of your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password. Report clearly that you have brought my daughter back both safely and early. Then return to your car. There is no need to come inside. And incidentally, the camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My sister always says that I'm too hard on the boys.

"Don't you remember when you were that age?" she asks.

Of course I do. Why the hell do you think I made the rules?

* * *

There is no explanation needed for this rule, however, please note that the neighborhood boys and all other boys from the school have now refrained from asking out my daughter.

I'm waiting for the brave man who does with my shotgun loaded.

* * *

After a few months of peace from horrible dates...

* * *

Nemu has come home with news today. Apparently, some poor sap has finally decided to ask her out. I'm sincerely hoping this guy will be one that she can stay with, I think her hopes are coming down.

The first time I met him, it wasn't for their first date. Nemu had been sick from school that day and the boy brought her some flowers along with whatever work she missed and his own notes for her to compare to. He handed me a small box as well.

"Nemu mentioned that you liked these." he said respectfully, walking back to his car and driving away after finalizing the day of his and Nemu's date.

I opened the box to find my favorite candy.

* * *

The second time I met him was when he came to pick Nemu up for their first date. We sat and talked for a bit, as he had made dinner reservations and they were early getting ready. He kept at a respectful distance from Nemu, only coming into contact with her when asked, and always keeping his eyes on her face or eyes.

I approved of a boy at first glance for the first time.

* * *

The third time I met him, the boy was dressed in his usual attire.

The meeting wasn't actually planned at all, we met while grocery shopping. I had found out when we talked that he lived alone, due to a strained relationship with his father. We made small talk for a bit in the middle of the store.

I analyzed his attire with slight interest as we talked, being as it was different that most of the other boys I had seen from his grade level. Casual black pants with a belt and a button-up white shirt. He had notable style, at least, for having his pants fitted securely around his waist.

I walked away from him slightly pleased, as he waved a polite goodbye.

* * *

There came the dreaded time eventually when I had to ask them if they were sexually active, to which both Nemu and Ishida (as he preferred to be called) blushed profusely. The boy saved himself, stuttering that he'd rather wait for marriage for that level of intimacy, and I let them off the hook.

The talking became awkward for a few minutes, though that was fixed later.

At least I knew I could trust Nemu with him.

* * *

On one particular night, Nemu had to be at a competition the next morning, and I wanted her to get a decent amount of sleep. As we waited for Nemu to come down from grabbing her purse, I turned to Ishida and asked him when they would be home.

"Don't worry sir, I'll have her home early." he said to me.

Nemu chose that exact moment to come down, and true to his word, the boy had her home early enough for a decent night's sleep, giving her a kiss goodnight. (to which I looked away)

* * *

On one occasion, I learned of his friends, who mostly consisted of girls, the carrot top, and a large foreign fellow. When I asked Nemu about it, she said that Ishida was very popular with the girls, but he had never done anything out of the friend zone. I asked her if she trusted him, and she said she did. That was the end of that conversation.

So long as she never came home crying...

* * *

One night, Nemu was taking longer than usual to get ready, as she had just gotten back from a late practice for her gymnastics team. Ishida and I stood at the door calmly, talking about trivial things, and just passing the time.

When we had run out of things to talk about, he asked if there was anything I had that he could do while we waited.

I swear the look on my face must have been priceless.

* * *

When I asked Nemu one time where they usually went on their dates, she replied to me that they usually went to a school football game, a restaurant, or she picked a movie. When I asked her what movies she usually picked, (I just couldn't see Nemu as the type for chick-flicks) I was happy to hear that they usually saw a good horror movie.

* * *

One time, I asked Ishida where they were going while we waited for Nemu to come down.

"We were going to go to my place for dinner and then go see a movie, if that's okay with you, sir." he said calmly. If it was anybody else I probably would have banished them from my house on the spot. Instead, I smiled.

"Perfectly fine. Just don't have her out too late."

* * *

I still get a laugh out of the boy every time he drops Nemu off since telling him the procedure for the drop off.

He comes out of the car with his hands up and says "The perimeter password is Jizo. I have brought Nemu back both safely and early." He has obviously caught on and now smiles whilst saying it, and I swear he knows that I watch from the window. Nemu will come out and kiss him goodnight, and he will get into his car and drive back home.

I will welcome my daughter back and we will talk about her date and have some tea before leaving for bed.

She may not have had the best past in terms of male companionship, but I am glad that she found Uryu Ishida.

* * *

_**The End**_

* * *

That was officially the longest thing I have ever written, and I do believe that the ending wasn't very good but I couldn't think of anything. Well, tell me what you think, and check out my other stories if you get the chance. I hope that it made you laugh as much as I did.


End file.
